Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
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