I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
