i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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