You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
