walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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