Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
We are all done wearing pants today
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
