discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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