seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
