Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Randomize
