checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
