Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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