one might say we're banned from that church
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
