The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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