did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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