You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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