He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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