she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
