Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Randomize
