She is in my trunk
I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
