I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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