Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
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