So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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