A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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