I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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