my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Randomize
