I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
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