Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
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