well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
