I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
