If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
where are you?
Hypothermia
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Randomize
