i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
