the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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