this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
