Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Everyone says I win the strip club
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
