you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I have feelings that need drinking.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
