so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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