You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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