Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
