wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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