In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
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