When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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