I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
