Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize
