I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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