so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
