Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
