i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Just cropdusted the office
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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