Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
