I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Randomize
