she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
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