We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Hello my rib-scented angel!
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
